I dub thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, beater of ass.

Among other lies I have told innocent school children: I speak five languages, my next-door neighbors are (on the right) Jack Bauer and (on the left), Obama, and I secretly work for the CIA. And they find all of this more credible than my ability to use chopsticks.


The next step is, of course, the introduction of Martian Law.


Just as Nintendo has forever ruined the name "Mario" for Italians who are not, in fact, overweight plumbers, they have ruined "Yoshi" for Japanese people who are not giant dinosaurs with sticky, retractable tongues.

Archnemesis: The Sporkinaut

Before leaving for Japan, I took pictures of Jon and Justin eating with chopsticks, just to have proof that yes, some foreigners are indeed capable of performing this task. In terms of student interest, these pictures ranked much higher than, say, the state capital. Then I showed them these:

And told them that they were American chopsticks. Which they believed. One day, when they visit America and can't understand why the restaurants don't have giant novelty chopsticks, they will realize that they have just been hit with the punchline of a ten, twenty year joke.