I dub thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, beater of ass.

Among other lies I have told innocent school children: I speak five languages, my next-door neighbors are (on the right) Jack Bauer and (on the left), Obama, and I secretly work for the CIA. And they find all of this more credible than my ability to use chopsticks.


The next step is, of course, the introduction of Martian Law.


Just as Nintendo has forever ruined the name "Mario" for Italians who are not, in fact, overweight plumbers, they have ruined "Yoshi" for Japanese people who are not giant dinosaurs with sticky, retractable tongues.

I Like It Hot Hot Hot

Back when I worked at Subway, we would write "Japs" on the drive-thru slips for "Jalapeños." We put the slips in the bags to tell the sandwiches apart, and I always worried that one day a Japanese person would order Jalapeños, see the slip, and sue us.

Not that there are many Japanese people eating in West Virginia Subways, but still...

Hibachuu

Yes, I know how to use chopsticks. GET OVER IT.

Duck, Duck, Duck, Goose!

I hope this is self-explanatory.

Maybe the playing with guns would be fun...