Japanglish Fantasy League Vocabulary #3

J-Kaiwa - n. 1). A Japanese language conversation class, where you learn the passive verb form, and that your Japanese will never be as good as that of a 19-year-old Malaysian immigrant worker.
2). The serpent of English education swallowing its own tail.
3). What you will blow off for karaoke.

See also: Eikaiwa, Washed-Up Japanese Major, Ouroboros

Why we need this word: Because if you corrupt your English with words like this, it covers up the fact that your Japanese is not getting any better. Because you are too lazy to say "Japanese language conversation class."

Japanglish Fantasy Leage Vocabulary #2

Sushi-Go-Round - n. 1). A conveyor-belt sushi restaurant, the concept of which frightens and confuses your grandmother in the way that fire frightens and confuses cavemen.
2). The single most delicious method of sushi transportation.
3). The signature move of the WWF's short-careered wrestler, Japan Man.
See: Kaiten sushi, Sushiro, Kappa Sushi

Why we need this word: Because your friends visiting from back home in Wisconsin are already skittish about eating raw fish and "conveyor-belt sushi" sounds rather unsanitary.

Japanglish Fantasy Leage Vocabulary #1

Today, the first in a series of words that don't exist, but should.


Uncle Tomoki - n. 1). A person who has confused the term Japanese with the word superior.
2). An asshat who thinks he's Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai.
See: Uncle Tom, Weeaboo, Wapanese.

Why we need this word: Because these people are annoying, and the more terms we have to ridicule them, the better. Because nobody but a Weeaboo would know the word "Weeaboo."

The Bad Boys of Cookery

Okay, so recently a coworker gave me a giant pear , around which was wrapped this ad for aprons:


This particular apron caught my eye:



Okay, so I understand "Bad Boy" is a popular clothing line or whatever, but seriously? A Bad Boy apron? Maybe it's for cooking up a big ol' batch of crack rock or meth or whatever. But this is the best part:


Just...no. No, Japan, no. We do not put dog tags on aprons, even if these aprons are designed with the bad boy market specifically in mind.

Elementary School Band Quarterly

Kiseki.

Do any other ALTs have this problem? There was a time when I actually enjoyed this song, a time before the music teachers at both of my schools also decided they enjoyed this song, and that the marching bands should rehearse it non-stop. Now simply hearing the first few notes is enough to inspire a loathing that is surpassed only by the despair of contemplating how many more times I will have to hear it before the school year ends.

Andrew W.K. also did a cover of this song, which is a major thematic departure from his previous work, such as It's Time to Party, Party Hard, and Party Till You Puke.

The Circle of Dumb

So there's a certain point in speaking Japanese (and probably any language), where you can communicate just enough to sound truly retarded. I am at this point. Because, you see, most people are mentally prepared for the basic mistakes. But it takes a true mastery of a language, a finesse if you will, to lure people into just enough of a false sense of security that you can drop a the reverse-Engrish bomb of epic proportions.

Anyway, I say stupid things in Japanese almost daily.

La Grippe Porcine

Ah, the inevitable Swine Flu comic. I couldn't decide if the vehicle rushing towards our unfortunate background character should be a train or a bus, but it turns out that I'm incapable of drawing either. So we ended up with something that looks like neither. Quantum public transportation?

Also, I drawed a girl with a pig snout face mask:


Classy.