An Upsetting Number of Games: Karuta

The third in our series of game tutorials for English teachers. Link.

An Upsetting Number of Games: The Line Game

Alright, here's the next game tutorial. This time, it's one of the simplest games in the book: the line game.

Enjoy!

An Upsetting Number of Games: Tutorial

Summer has started, which means two things for the ALT. First, we're gonna have a metric fuckton of free time to fritter away. Second, it means the old ALTs are leaving and the new ones are coming in.

With these two things in mind, I've decided to fritter away my time by working on some game tutorials for new ALTs teaching at elementary schools. Most of this information will be old news to ALTs with a year under their belt, but you might find a few variants you haven't seen yet.

Feel free to use, modify, and share. If there's anything that's unclear or a variant you've been using, let me know about it.

First, the tutorial. Here's a link for a zipped version on Google docs.

Blogger's not letting me upload all of the images here, so I'll just put up my favorite image:

Japanglish Fantasy League Vocabulary #6

Like all persecuted peoples, anime fans dream of escaping to a Promised Land, where they will be free from persecution. For the otaku, that Promised Land is Japan.

"Let my people Goku!"

It is true that your average Japanese person is more likely than your average American (or what-have-you) to read the occasional manga or buy a Tony Chopper cellphone strap. They also have about as much respect for rabid anime fans as they would for, say, animal tortue enthusiasts or flesh eating bacteria with poor table manners.

Or, Koreans

Upon arriving in Japan, foreign Otaku often find it easier to deny their nerdish interests, despite that being the reason they came to the country in the first place. Which brings us to today's vocabulary:

Notaku - n. 1). An anime enthusiast in denial.

2). "I'm not an anime fan, I just like Miyazaki films. Well, and Cowboy Bebop. And One Piece. And Berserk. And Hanaukyo Maid Team La Verite. And..."

3). 90% of English-speaking foreigners in Japan.

Usage: "Brad? That f***ing Notaku's wall of shame is twice as big as mine."

"Notaku? I'm not a Notaku. I just like Miyazaki films. Well, and Cowboy Bebop. And..."

Japanglish Fantasy League Vocabulary #5

Japanese Dinosaur - n. 1). A Japanese woman who holds her handbag like the mighty Tyrant Lizard:

(I couldn't find a good picture, but this should give you the general idea)

2). The 45-year-old woman you picked up at Pure¹ last night.

See Also: Velociraptor, Louis Vuitton

1Pure - n. 1). An infamous foreigner pick-up nightclub.
2). A wretched hive of villany and English teachers.

The Most Important Meal of the Day

I love me some Japanese food something fierce. It's one of the main reasons I came back (which seems like a really horrible reason, until you imagine having a craving for a tuna onigiri for two damn years). Sure, there are a few inedible things like umeboshi or natto, but in general, shit be delicious. The main exception to this rule of deliciousness is breakfast. The traditional Japanese breakfast is essentially the worst parts of lunch and dinner, with miso and rice.

Meanwhile in America Damn It, we got waffles, pancakes, sausages, bacon, omelets, biscuits, cereal, and occasionally, fresh fruit. And that's just a SINGLE DISH at Denny's. We haven't even gotten into such variations as the chocolate chip pancake or the biscuit sandwich. American breakfast is so freaking sweet, I will sometimes eat it three times a day. It is not a meal. It is an institution.

All Americans Always Wear American Flags. Always.

So after drawing this comic, I realized it was this comic, in reverse. Oh well.

Newsflash: not everyone speaks English.

Newerflash: not everyone who speaks English speaks your particular brand of colloquial English.

Newestflash: you probably were already aware of this, but oh well.

From the book "101 Activities for Bored Foreigners in Japan"

I have, in fact, done this, and it is, in fact, fun. The best is giving little fliers to the people who are giving out fliers, because it creates a sort of feedback loop of confusion that blows their friggin' minds.

Also I drew this:

Any caption ideas?

Japanglish Fantasy League Vocabulary #4

Homodachi - n. 1). Your gay friend. 2). Your "Hetero Life Partner" 3). Pretty much anyone in the room at karaoke after five double shots of whiskey and "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

See also: Tomodachi, Homo, Bromance, Bro-hug, Good Game

Why we need this word: We don't particularly need this word, but it is fun to say. What's more, this linguistic corruption often gets a laugh out of native speakers too.

Frostbite frost bites

So tired of winter without insulation. The worst is when we occasionally have a warm day, and you remember what not being cold all the time feels like, and then you want the world to die.

Japanglish Fantasy League Vocabulary #3

J-Kaiwa - n. 1). A Japanese language conversation class, where you learn the passive verb form, and that your Japanese will never be as good as that of a 19-year-old Malaysian immigrant worker.
2). The serpent of English education swallowing its own tail.
3). What you will blow off for karaoke.

See also: Eikaiwa, Washed-Up Japanese Major, Ouroboros

Why we need this word: Because if you corrupt your English with words like this, it covers up the fact that your Japanese is not getting any better. Because you are too lazy to say "Japanese language conversation class."

Japanglish Fantasy Leage Vocabulary #2

Sushi-Go-Round - n. 1). A conveyor-belt sushi restaurant, the concept of which frightens and confuses your grandmother in the way that fire frightens and confuses cavemen.
2). The single most delicious method of sushi transportation.
3). The signature move of the WWF's short-careered wrestler, Japan Man.
See: Kaiten sushi, Sushiro, Kappa Sushi

Why we need this word: Because your friends visiting from back home in Wisconsin are already skittish about eating raw fish and "conveyor-belt sushi" sounds rather unsanitary.

Japanglish Fantasy Leage Vocabulary #1

Today, the first in a series of words that don't exist, but should.


Uncle Tomoki - n. 1). A person who has confused the term Japanese with the word superior.
2). An asshat who thinks he's Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai.
See: Uncle Tom, Weeaboo, Wapanese.

Why we need this word: Because these people are annoying, and the more terms we have to ridicule them, the better. Because nobody but a Weeaboo would know the word "Weeaboo."

The Bad Boys of Cookery

Okay, so recently a coworker gave me a giant pear , around which was wrapped this ad for aprons:


This particular apron caught my eye:



Okay, so I understand "Bad Boy" is a popular clothing line or whatever, but seriously? A Bad Boy apron? Maybe it's for cooking up a big ol' batch of crack rock or meth or whatever. But this is the best part:


Just...no. No, Japan, no. We do not put dog tags on aprons, even if these aprons are designed with the bad boy market specifically in mind.

Elementary School Band Quarterly

Kiseki.

Do any other ALTs have this problem? There was a time when I actually enjoyed this song, a time before the music teachers at both of my schools also decided they enjoyed this song, and that the marching bands should rehearse it non-stop. Now simply hearing the first few notes is enough to inspire a loathing that is surpassed only by the despair of contemplating how many more times I will have to hear it before the school year ends.

Andrew W.K. also did a cover of this song, which is a major thematic departure from his previous work, such as It's Time to Party, Party Hard, and Party Till You Puke.

The Circle of Dumb

So there's a certain point in speaking Japanese (and probably any language), where you can communicate just enough to sound truly retarded. I am at this point. Because, you see, most people are mentally prepared for the basic mistakes. But it takes a true mastery of a language, a finesse if you will, to lure people into just enough of a false sense of security that you can drop a the reverse-Engrish bomb of epic proportions.

Anyway, I say stupid things in Japanese almost daily.

La Grippe Porcine

Ah, the inevitable Swine Flu comic. I couldn't decide if the vehicle rushing towards our unfortunate background character should be a train or a bus, but it turns out that I'm incapable of drawing either. So we ended up with something that looks like neither. Quantum public transportation?

Also, I drawed a girl with a pig snout face mask:


Classy.

Unfunny Explination For An Unfunny Comic

A note about the last comic. I know it was heavy-handed and unfunny and all. And I understand if the topic seems unimportant to the folks back home. But the article that inspired the comic was about Hamamatsu, and for me, that makes the whole situation horrendously unfunny.

Back when I did study abroad, me and a friend went on a trip to Tokyo and stopped off at Hamamatsu just to stretch our legs. As soon as we stepped off the train, we could tell there was something different about that town, and we fell in love with it. We ended up spending a few hours there, just wandering around, talking to people, and soaking up that amazing atmosphere. Maybe it was because we had been in Japan so long at that point, but it took a while to realize what it was.

Simply put, Hamamatsu was the only place in Japan I have been where people could not have given less of a shit that I am not Japanese. People didn't stare at us for being foreigners, they didn't do double-takes and avoid eye contact, they didn't go out of their way to avoid us. To be treated like a human being again, not a "non-Japanese," was frankly something I had forgotten was possible.

And to hear the leading lawmaker of Japan's fucking one-party system talk about that type of integration like it's a bad thing...it makes me so angry and depressed, I feel like I'm coughing up blood. It's things like this that make you wonder if Japan really has a future on the international stage. I mean, America has it's own assholes talking about putting up a fence to keep out illegal immagrants, but for fuck's sake, it's not like Nancy Pelosi is talking about paying the descendants of Americans to fucking leave the country and never fucking come back because we don't want their dirty fucking mixed blood. Fuck.

So yeah, anyway, I'll put up some more crudely drawn comics later, but this is not something I could let pass without comment.

On The Shooting Of One's Own Foot

For real. This may be the stupidest shit ever.

I dub thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, beater of ass.

Among other lies I have told innocent school children: I speak five languages, my next-door neighbors are (on the right) Jack Bauer and (on the left), Obama, and I secretly work for the CIA. And they find all of this more credible than my ability to use chopsticks.


The next step is, of course, the introduction of Martian Law.


Just as Nintendo has forever ruined the name "Mario" for Italians who are not, in fact, overweight plumbers, they have ruined "Yoshi" for Japanese people who are not giant dinosaurs with sticky, retractable tongues.